This Week's Contest: These items were ordered by well-known people.

Who ordered them, and why?

First-prize winner gets a Hubert Humphrey-shaped bottle, still in its box,

from the 1968 presidential campaign.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.

The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa.

Report from Week 516, in which you were invited to come up with unwise things to say in given situations.

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up:

In traffic court: "Ooooooh, big, bad traffic court judge. What are you going to do, FINE me?" (Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring)

{diam}Third Runner-Up:

To Saint Peter: "It's a pleasure to finally meet you! And how are Mrs. Claus and the elves?" (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

{diam}Second Runner-Up:

To your best client: "You're not wearing a wire, are you?"

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

In traffic court: "So I was holding that round thingie in front of me, pressing those buttons on the floor with my feet, when . . ."

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

{diam}And the winner of the 1940s-era Bosom Friend mad-money pouch:

To a waiter: "You call this lemonade, jerko? Why, it's barely yellow! Bring me some better stuff." (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

{diam} Honorable Mentions:

To Saint Peter

"Oh, c'mon, the only bad thing I ever did was rob some schmuck to pay Paul." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

"This reminds me of a joke. Gimme a sec." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

"Where's the big guy? I don't want to talk to some flunky."

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

"Once you're in, you're in, right? I mean, it's not like anything you do on the

inside can get you thrown out, right?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

"You got ID? Because you could be Saint BERNARD, for all I know." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

At Traffic Court

"I couldn't stop because the coffee

I was drinking would have spilled on

the newspaper I was reading to a

friend over my cell phone."

(Steve Shapiro, Alexandria)

"Omigod, could you possibly talk any slower? I haven't got all day.

Comeoncmoncmoncmoncmon LET'S GO." (Michael Burgess, Germantown)

"Yes, your honor, I was speeding, but you have to understand that if the drug deal I was heading to fell through, the guy would squeal about the ho I had to kill last week."

(Alan Middleton, Gahanna, Ohio)

"I was a little depressed that night,

your honor. You know, the way you

must feel about being a judge in

traffic court."

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

"Your honor, when I entered the

intersection the light was the color of this $20 bill, if you get my drift."

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

"Your honor -- I have of late, but

wherefore I know not -- lost all my

mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my

disposition that this goodly frame, the Earth, seems to me a sterile

promontory. Can you cut me a

little slack?"

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

"Well, if I have to call you 'your honor,' then YOU have to call ME 'your

majesty.' " (Fil Feit, Annandale)

"So I was carefully driving down the road -- vroom, vroom -- when I gently turned -- skreek erk errrrr -- and . . ."

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

To a Waiter

"You silly Chinaman -- there's no food too spicy for me!"

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

To a Car Salesman

"Golly, the paint and interior are so nice. Is there anything I can do to protect them?" (Toby Bell, Lake Forest, Ill.)

"So what's it gonna take for me to drive off this lot today in one of these babies?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

"Options? Just give me whatever you think I need." (Andrew Hall, Highland, Md.)

In a Job Interview

"I dunno. What did I claim in my

resume?" (Larry Phillips, Falls Church)

"The supervisor in my last job will be able to give you a good assessment of what I can do. Here's her home phone number. If you don't want her husband to answer, let it ring once, hang up, and call back five minutes later."

(Mike Hammer, Arlington)

"Do employees get their own gun

lockers?" (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

"I like to think of myself as a secretary AND a poet." (David Ronka, Charlottesville)

"Am I correct you are not allowed by law to ask me if I have a prison record?" (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

"I know it's a 3 p.m. interview, but I was waiting here since 12:30. I'm not saying anyone is gonna come asking, but in case they do, I've been here the whole time, okay?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

"So, what games are pre-installed on your hard drive?" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

"Will I be given frequent breaks so I can apply salve to my carbuncles?" (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)